Just Breathe

Does real love die?
What is real love?
Does it last forever?

Today I had to do something I didn't really like so good.
As a result, I am stomping down all my emotions and doing my best to hide from them
I feel sad, angry, helpless, hopeless.
On the other hand, I am proud of myself for standing up for me.

I feel guilty.
For no reason.
And yes, it is a looong story that many of you do not know.

This may be a mixed up bunch of words for the rest of you.
For me, it is therapy.

I almost cried when he walked out the door and up the street instead of asking me to take him up to the garage to get his truck.
I really thought he had the truck here.

Maybe he really thought I would say no, or maybe he didn't want me to take him.
I guess, too, it was the look on his face--a mix of pouty, mad, hurt.
You know it hurts me to make people feel this way.
Whether they deserve it or not.
It is so much easier to say something hurtful when one is fighting with the other.
That is just it.
It wasn't a fight.

I would call it:
The Truth

I told him I was not going to California with him.
OK.
It started out like this:
Can you get your vacation for those days?

Now I knew this was coming either today or tomorrow and I started to fidget.
And I said:
Yes, I can get those days off.
I am just not sure that I want to go.
For a number of reasons.

Now I am thinking if he has listened at all to me over the past few months then he knows exactly what I am talking about.

He says not looking at me:
This might be the last time you will see my mother alive.

And I am all:
So what's the difference?
You never go see my mother and she is 80 years old.
You haven't even gone with me to see her on Mother's Day for the last five years or so.

He says:
I go see your mother once in a while.

I let it go for a bit and then:
You do know why I don't want to go, don't you.

Yeah, cuz of the way I acted last time we went.

Yes.
So why would I want to go and possibly get into that situation again?

And then he says:
It won't happen again.
And adds:
As far as I know.

So right there is the escape clause for him.

And my mind is all yelling:
Don't go!
You will end up hating yourself!!

So I say that to him:
Well, I am not taking the chance.
Cuz if it did, I would end up hating myself for the rest of my life.

And then he starts:
I bust my ass for..

Where I interupt:
You bust your ass for what?
So you can take me on vacation that you plan and I follow?
You never even ask me.
You just plan.
Why don't we do anything I want to do?
I have always wanted to go to the Blue Heron Festival
and you won't go with me there.

HE says:
Yeah, and that costs what?
$90 a day?
For what?
To walk around?

And I am thinking:
And flying me to S. California for ten days isn't expensive?
And I don't even want to go.

I said:
You are paying for the live music.
I have always loved live music, whether it is country or rock.

Him:
Then go to the Blue Heron Festival!

And I am like:
Right! You know I have to work those days.
It is the fourth of July!
(I could go at night after work, but I won't go at night by myself.)

He is like:
Yeah, you have to work.

Then he gets mad and says:
Fine then! Do what the fuck you want to do!

And for once he didn't add: You do anyways.

I tell him:
You know, I could be saying--Oh, don't go out to your mother's for vacation.
Stay here, and do something we both want to do.
It's not fair!
I am telling you, to go see your mother.
You deserve to go.
You have my blessing.
But don't make me go.
I won't enjoy it anyways.

He's all:
Fine!
You go your way and I will go mine.
I won't do anything with you.
I won't ask you to do anything with me.

Then he got ready for work and left.
And I wanted to cry.
I am a tenderheart.
Very tender.

And I put my book down on the table and said to myself that I am not even going there.
Not today, not tomorrow, not next week.
I am not gonna cry and make an issue out this.
This is something I had to do for me.
And I didn't cry.

I am glad I said that I wasn't going.
But I also know that is was a turning point in my marriage.
The good thing is:
I know in my heart that this had to happen.

There will changes this summer when he gets back.
Possible even before he leaves.

Do I feel bad?
Hell, yeah.
But I would feel worse if I went and treated me the way he treated me last time.

So for now?

Just breathe