Yesterday and Today

This summer when my brother was here
we recreated a picture of the four of us
that my mother had taken back
when we were kids.
My baby brother was four!
I was about nine.

We stood in the same spot in my mother's yard
in front of the same bird feeder
with my older brother in back
my sister and I in front of him
and my little brother in front of us.

When we got our pictures back
it was really interesting.
In the old picture
I had my hair pulled back.
In the new picture, I had my hair pulled back.
In the old picture, I was wearing sandals.
In the new picture I was too.

My sister had bangs in the old picture.
She has bangs in the new one.
She wore gymshoes in the old one.
Gymshoes in the new one.

My brothers looked about the same
only older.
My little brother is over six feet tall
so in order for him to be in the same
spot he was in the first picture
he had to kneel down.
My older brother stands behind us
as our leader and protecter in both
pictures.

We had a lot of fun
that day this summer
renewing old memories
the four of us
together again.

Insane

I want someone who won't care that I never wear shoes in the summer, that I am incapable of staying still, that I can't grasp the concept of cleaning & I refuse to be ladylike. Someone who realizes that half the decisions I make, I'll regret, & I have the right to overreact at any given moment. I want someone who knows I am completely insane and wouldn't want me any other way....



I found this somewhere on the 'net.

Stop the World...I want to get off!

So I get up
and pour myself a cup of coffee.
I had been asleep
for about two hours
and needed to wake up
so we could go eat.

As I was sitting at the table
I said
Remind me to start my laundry
when we get home.
I need work clothes for tomorrow.

He says
Get your stuff together
and start it now
and put it in the dryer when we get home.

Call me crazy,
but I all I wanted to do
was set down
wake up
drink my coffee in peace.

Like I said
I was exhausted.
I figured I would have
more energy
if I just had coffee
went and ate
and then came home
to do laundry.

On top of that
I had reached my limit
of being interrupted
every single time
I wanted to just set
and gather energy.

So we went back and forth
because he just can't seem
to understand me at all.


My whole point was
I am screaming at him
is to set down and have
a cup of coffee without
interruption for once!

His theory was that if
I was tired now
I would be more tired later
and so start the laundry now.


Don't argue with me
ever
when I am
on the brink
of exhaustion.

I do not tire easily
and it is not often
I get this way.


So dinner out was canceled
and I started laundry
and went over to OS
to let the dog out.


I was pissed and came back
and told him
I wasn't going to the city
with him on Monday.

I wanted that time off work
to myself.
Monday morning rolls around
and I got up about 8:30.

Fifteen minutes later,
the phone rings.

It was my mom.

She had been having back problems
and she kept getting
muscle spasms.
I got dressed
drove to Mom's
called her chiroprator
no luck there
called her regular doctor
to ask him to phone in
a prescription to the pharmacy
drove down and picked that up
came back, fixed lunch
and stayed until 6:30
when my sister came
to stay with mom.

As it was
she did have
an appointment with
the chiropractor on Wed.
So I called my boss,
asked her to trade my hours
or give them away for Wed.
so I could take her to get
her back taken care of.

I worked Tuesday all day
took Mom to the back doctor Wed,
took her out for lunch,
and went back to her house.
She napped while I vacuumed,
swept, and did a few dishes.
She got up about 4,
so I asked her if she
had stuff to make apple crisp.
She did.
So I made a double batch of that
cuz I knew my sister would be over
and more than likely my neice,
and hey!
I was coming back on Friday
so maybe there would be some left!

Her back is quite a bit better,
and she has been instructed by
her daughters
to take it easy.
She has one more appointment
on Friday
and I told her I would take her.

Meanwhile, last night
I was eating a cookie
and my tooth
broke in half.
Thank goodness it was a back tooth
on the inside.

You see what I mean?
Maximus Overloadme?

If you happen to see
some crazy lady
with wild hair
running down the street
with her arms flailing
well,
not to worry!
Itisi.

Stop the World....

Lately I have been on Maximus Overloadme.
In the last three weeks,
I have gone from working 24 hours a week
to working over 40 for two weeks
and 50 for one week.
This week I started out with 30 and am down to 26.

And all I want to do is
take one whole day off without any obligations.
You see, that's the whole trouble.
I don't forsee anything
and am looking forward to a day off,
and then the phone rings.
With 8 grandchildren
and an 82 year old mother,
answering the phone is not an option.

The first week
it is was younger son.
Wanted a babysitter
so he could go to the Halloween thingie at DL.
Will I deny him?
Heck no!!
I could never afford
to take my kids when they were younger
and it sounded like the coolest thing!
In fact,
if I wasn't babysetting
and I knew someone was going,
I would have gone myself!
So I babysat and of course,
took care of their dog too.
She always comes with the kids
cuz she is bad if she is left alone.

The following Monday,
I dog sat for them
while they went to GF's dad's
to put plastic on the house for the winter.
Only thing is,
they forgot to pick up the dog.
They were trying to get the house done
before Magill got home from school,
and in their hurry they forgot to pick up the dog.
Not much of a biggie there.
'Cept I had to listen
to him bitch about how could they forget the dog,
next thing you know they will forget their kids, blah, blah, blah...
I know for a fact there is not a chance they would do that.

Then last Tuesday, the phone at work is for me.
OS.
Can you run gas money
down to GF so she can get to work?
Her vehicle was running rough
and used more gas than she expected,
so she was short,
but she could pay me back with her tips from the bar
later that evening. (She works two jobs.)
So I punched out for lunch
an hour after I got to work
and ran money down to her.
Hehehe...
he doesn't know about that one,
so I didn't have to listen to him.
And she did pay me back that night.

Friday, the phone rings at work.
It is for me.
YS.
I was trying to talk to Dad and he is being an asshole.
What about?
Everything.
What do you want?
We need a sitter for tonight cuz a bunch of us are going to a haunted house.
My friend got $3 off tickets and he is driving so it won't cost us any gas.

Well
By this time my ass is dragging.
I have worked my ass off
trying to get done on time
cuz I am tired of staying over
and I am just plain dog-ass tired anyhow
so I tell him I will call him back when I get home.

So I get home,
go round and round with him about babysetting and other stuff,
call YS back,
tell him to bring the kids,
bring diapers,
bring the pack and play for Codeman to sleep in.
This is when he tells me
the kids will have to spend the night,
cuz the people they are riding with are not coming back
from the city until Saturday.
Whatever.

By 4 p.m. the next afternoon
when they stopped to get the kids but not the dog,
I was exhausted.
The dog stayed (and by the way, is STILL here)
cuz they were going to Sis's
three hours away
cuz she was having a Halloween Party for everyone.

OS and family went also
so while they were gone
I had to let their dog in and out
to go to the bathroom.
He gave me the key to his house for this.

So anyhow,
by the time YS picked up his kids
I had renamed Codeman.
I call him White Lightning.
Because he has white blond hair
and travels the speed of lightning around the house.
I seriously think he is hyper-active.
I mean,
back and forth,
back and forth,
through the house,
from one thing to another
all day long.
The only thing he sat still for
was when the scanner was turned on.
He would sit on his Papa's lap
and stare at the lighted box on the shelf
and try to figure out how the thing talked.
It was kinda funny!

So when the grandkids left at 4,
I went to bed and took a nap.
He wakes me up
and asks me if I want to go after groceries,
which just means I follow him around the store while he buys groceries.
(Now, I KNOW what is wrong with this picture here,
you really don't need to tell me.)
No, I would rather sleep.
Okay.
An hour later,
he walks in and turns on the light.
Wake up
and let's go get something to eat
so we don't have to cook.
At this point,
I would much rather just sleep
until I have to get up for work the next day.
Sleep, sleep, sleep.
I remind myself that I am indeed half-starved,
because the more stress I have in my life
the less I eat.
And the past three weeks
I really haven't eaten all that much.
I tell myself
to drag my weary overtired ass out of bed.
It would be nice to just go somewhere
and eat a leisurely meal
in peace and quiet.

Ha!
Like there is peace and quiet around here.
I should have stayed in bed......

to be continued...I have to get ready for work...

Mama's Gun

I am sooo in denial...

When I was a kid
and found out
that my mama
owned her own gun
I thought to myself that
it was the coolest thing
in the whole world!

I told myself
that someday
I would own Mama's gun.

So last night
while visiting my mom
we got to talking
about hunting and guns.
And gun repairs.

That is when she told me
that the .410 that she had
she gave to my brother.
My brother asked
if he could have her gun.
She said yes
but it needed repair.
So he took the gun
to a guy he knew
and the guy couldn't locate
a part, so he made one.
My brother has been using
the gun ever since.

I exclaimed
So that's where your gun is!
Poop!
I slammed my fist on the chair.
I wanted your gun!

My mom looked kind of suprised.
She said
she didn't know
I wanted her gun.

I laughed and said
Oh well!
At least it is in the good hands
of my little brother!

But on the way home
I had tears in my eyes.
And I told myself
not to be silly.
I certainly
wasn't angry
that my little brother
got mom's gun.
I didn't feel
any jealousy.
I was just being silly.
I was feeling bad
because I was way
overtired from working
45-50 hours a week
for the food show.
(That's a whole 'nother post!)
And to be honest
I never told my mom
that I wanted her gun
someday.

But, hey.
I feel like I lost something.
I guess I did.
I lost the dream
of owning my
Mama's gun.

Caught in the Breeze

I sit here in total darkness
With a soft breeze blowing
My favorite music playing in the background
Of my mind.

I feel as light as a feather
As I so very slowly
Begin to meld myself
With notes in the music
And I float through the air.

I am caught by the breeze
Invisible as such
Something you can feel
But not be able to touch
And vice versa...

I sneak into your room
Parting the window's curtains
Mingling with the blue swirling
Smoke of the sweet and spicy incense.

I ride the waves of the breeze
With unlimited freedom
Sprinkled with musical notes
Twinkling stars
Following the moonlight
Till I reach a shadow
Where I blend in completely,
Where a soft breeze is blowing
With my favorite music
Playing
In the background
Of my mind.

Glaze

I woke up this morning with something on my mind
that he had said a few days earlier.

What he said was
he wished I would get my own (health) insurance.
Actually he said I need to.
I am like WTF?

He had my last Dr. bill out
and was complaining what we still owed.
He knows my insurance isn't the greatest
and it only covers one Dr. visit a year
and then it only covers up to $75.
He knows why
I had to have two colonoscopies
in the last three years.

So I snapped
and said maybe it is just cheaper to get cancer then,
I don't know!
Then he said
he couldn't afford to get his eyes examined
and get new glasses now.
That stung!

And that
is what I woke up feeling bad about
and also feeling guilty.
(I know, I shouldn't feel guilty.)

He was gone,
so I took a look at the amount
in our (his) medical account statement.
We (he) has,
now hold on--get this,
$3,300 and some change left in there.

I am pissed!!!
Cuz like, last I knew,
the eye exam and glasses,
depending on what you get,
is around $250-$300.

When he gets home all sweet and nice to me
I tell him I mad at him.
Then I tell him why.

Now, I mentally prepared myself ahead of time:

Beware of a bullshit story.
Beware of him not directly answering a question,
other wise known as talking in circles.
Beware that somehow he will make it sound like
it is still all your fault.

So he started with
I didn't mean it.
And went to
and this is my favorite,
The less I use, the more rolls over into my retirement.

Then,
after seeing me standing there
with my hand on my hip
and glaring at him,
he went to
I thought your insurance would cover more.
Where I immediately pointed out
that he knew damn well it didn't.

And I went on to tell him
that what he said made me feel awful
and here I was feeling bad cuz
he said he couldn't afford glasses
cuz of my med bills!
And finished with
You know we have issues as it is,
so don't bullshit me.
You make me feel
like you don't want to support me at all!
You want me to get my own insurance?
Fine! I will!

There just happen to be
two full-time jobs listed in the paper
for office assistants.
I applied for both of them.
Mailed out my resume today.

I quit getting my hopes up
a long time ago
when it comes to applying for jobs,
but that won't keep me from still applying!

Marriage should be the frosting, not the glaze.




HB: EJ